Letters for B | The tale within a photo

Since this year is the second year when I am celebrating the New Year’s Eve at home, without a clear plan for a party, I had plenty of time to think about it. I used to have an “obsession” with planning this celebration and take care to always fit in every year, even if in the majority of the time these plans mostly failed and I ended up doing stuff I never planned to. Since last year I could use as an excuse of staying home my surgery, this year I found myself facing the reality – if you plan too much, you end up doing nothing. So I sit on my bed (like I always do – lazy ass mood 😀 ) and I started to contemplate the facts. Starting with the old way of mine of judging stuff, my first 2014 resume was that I had the worst year. And since the worst conclusion was reached, then I had enough time to revise it again, and again… And so, I realized how many good things also happened. How many of the people that had to get out of my life for a reason or another, just went away and how many of those who had to stay by my side were there. And the most important thing is that I learned great lessons. And yes, I denied this with every cell of my being in the first place.

Looking back to the entire 2014 year I feel two opposite feelings: pain and joy. Pain because I broke relationships which defined me, which gave me the power to get up and fight with myself to become a better me, and joy, because I had the chance to put on the right track my professional life and even if it’s still hard, I could never regret my decision.

What did I learn? I learned that sometimes, if you wait too much you lose the chance. There is no such thing as the perfect moment – we can turn a moment into a perfect one. I also understood that some people can be blind enough not seeing the reality floating in front of their eyes and even if you paint it in rainbow colors, they will reject it. It was also painful to find out that not always you receive what you want or what you deserve and when this happen it is clear that you have to learn something out of it (even if it’s not pleasant at all).

And I think that the biggest lesson of this year was that sometimes, you don’t have to be the one screwing it up, but it is enough to have someone in front of your eyes (not literally, of course) who simply doesn’t believe in you.

And I’m thankful. Thankful that I managed to forgive myself for all those moments when I was stubborn. Thankful that I am not hypocrite to lie when it comes to my feelings and also that I was surrounded by people who know me well.

To you dear B.J, who you happened to be one of my best life teachers, I wish you aside love, health and all the regular stuff, maturity. I wish you that the next year will give you the strength to bound with the true you and also have the courage to get out of the shell where you started hiding in. I wish you to have the chance to understand what it is forgiveness and make the difference between stubbornness and maturity. And jfyi, I will never give up on the fairytale I am living in, because a world without dreams is a dead world. So I hope one day, you will find out that. And maybe in that fine day, we will be able to share the impressions 🙂

For the rest of you, I wish you to hear the fireworks and let that terrible noise get inside your souls and destroy the pain, all the bad moments and memories from this year which is about to end and allow their brightness and colors to highlight the joy that 2014 brought you and also the one that 2015 will bring you. Remember, a start could never be a start without an ending. So just allow yourself (no matter how angry, sad, or upset you feel right now) to feel the joy of a new beginning. Put a smile on your faces and if you don’t find an enough reason for it, think at only one thing – you are alive – and this is enough of a reason.

As for my New year’s resolution? This year my resolution will be to have no resolution. Sometimes, faith knows better how to arrange things. Grab your love, your dreams and step in the New Year with hope!

Happy New Year to all of you!

Here it is a big question for you – in this virtual monologue-dialogue that we are having here: am I allowed to miss you even if you acted like a bitch?

Yes, I do know all the “rules” which are saying that by the time one does a stupid mistake you have to simply move on and just pretend that you are the David Copperfield of your emotions and “spoof”! – delete everything from your mind and your soul. But oh, well, I guess I am broken. When it comes to erasing stuff I don’t do it that easily, even if when I decide it is the time to borrow a rubber, I do it for ever.

So “going back to the words”, yes! I still miss you and I still think about you. Especially when I wonder how can you hate someone the way you show it, if in the first place, you never had feelings for that person? When there was no passion, neither love, as you pretended.

So tonight I will waste neither time nor energy to be the brave woman who doesn’t give a fuck and I will allow myself to miss you. You, the one who you proved you can be. I talked in the past letters about that, so I guess if you want to find out with whom I fell in love, you can read the previous letters. Maybe in this way, you will also get a reminder of who you used to be.

P.S: I miss you. Tonight.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I hope one day your voice will meet mine, again.